The Interrogation

We’ve seen you… caught red-handed in the act… got you on film… we just need the names… Who’s that? Who did you just say? Stay with me now. What was that name again? … Damnation! … We’ve lost him again… Revive him! Oh not now! FX: Ringtone Who’s that? Oh hello, Sweetie… Yes… yes, not now love… I’m conducting an interview… I’ve asked you repeatedly, Sugarplum, please don’t call me at work… Wipe that smirk off your face… No, not you Love, just talking to my colleagues here… They seem to find something comedic about the situation… What? For a job yes… Um, a secretary… No, not—it’s not a woman… Categorically not… What? You’re joking? No alright, alright, I’ll do as you say… Bring him round! … No I was talking to my colleagues here… What? Well um, he’s sat at the other end of a long table, so he needs to come to the phone, doesn’t he? … Well yes, I suppose I could go to him… Hang on then a sec, I’ll go give him the phone… FX: Exaggerated footsteps I’m just walking over there now… It is an awfully long table my pet, we’re in the, um boardroom… Loosen the bindings… I was talking to the interviewee, Baby Cakes. Just how we’re um prepared to be a bit flexible on the terms of his contract… FX: Snapping fingers What? Oh that was just me snapping my fingers… To um, turn off the, um video recorder… They don’t need to hear our conversation… Yes, we record all interviews for training purposes… I know, Dear, I’m a model interviewer and my technique is used throughout our organisation… Sit him up a bit… What? No, he’s slouching in his chair. I’m afraid your call has rather broken the mood of the interview… No, I wasn’t criticising you, my Honeybun… What? yes, I’ll put him on the phone now… Say hello to my wife Mr Timpson… FX: Slurred grunts What was that? What? … Yes I know Cherie… Grunts yes… But you could tell they were male grunts right? … Well he was just er helping my guys move some things… His hands were full… Big heavy boxes full of files… Well, we want to get an idea of how he responds to orders, don’t we? Whether he’s a team player… No I can’t just bring the guys over to our house to help us shift the lounge furniture around… It’s unprofessional… And an imposition…Well yes, I have the authority, but in truth, Angel, it’s a bit of an abuse of power… I will do it, I promise I’ll get round to doing it… Yes I swear on our children’s lives… My Treasure, was there a particular reason you called me? I really must get back to work… FX: Whipcrack What? No that wasn’t a whip you heard… Knock it off you clowns… No, just my colleagues having a bit of fun at our expense, my Dumpling… See this is why I prefer it if you didn’t call me while I’m at work. There’s no privacy here… What? We’ve got a leak? Just call a plumber. Or get hold of the Water Board, tell them it’s an emergency… FX: Water gush No! No! No! Take the towel off him. It’s too much! Turn the hose off! … What? No, I wasn’t talking to you there, Lambchop. Towel? Um yes we had a spill here too. A cup of um tea… Don’t want it staining the carpet… You’ve had to put towels down too? Yes that is a bit spooky… Do you know where the stopcock is, Kitten? … FX Electrical discharge/crackling That’s not funny boys… The electrodes, with all this water around are you mad? No not you, Frou-Frou… Look, Buttercup, I really need to hang up now. Just, I’m right in the middle of this thing… You fools, you loosened them too much! FX: Dull thump That bang? I think one of the boxes of files just fell onto the floor… Pick it up, would you? Set it back on the um table. Bye bye, Button, I’ll see you tonight as normal…

Marc Nash has published 5 collections of flash fiction and 7 novels. His 2018 “Three Dreams In The Key of G” was short-listed for the Not The Booker Prize. He lives and works in London in the free expression realm.